The Frustrations of a Not-Handyman

We all know by now how babies are made, but its harder to understand how certain traits from each parent are passed down to their offspring.  I imagine a bunch of genes getting together and haggling over who gets in.  Obviously this is why the stronger traits, like blonde-hair and blue-eyes, are usually able to bully their way through, while weaklings like red-hair and left-handedness hardly ever negotiate their way in.  Its the same reason younger siblings are usually so much less impressive than the firstborn (this is something not talked about in modern times, but that has been stipulated by every intelligent civilization since creation... look it up).

The worst combination of traits that won out in my genetic formation were non-handyness and cheapness.  The latter requires me to test the former routinely... and my incredibly high screw-up factor usually ends up costing me more money in the end.  I've had to hire an electrician to switch the light switches, while I visited the emergency room with 3rd degree burns from electrocution.  Another time I hung a curtain rod all by myself... and had to pay for a visit from the sheetrock man when the whole thing came tumbling down under the oppressive weight of the curtains.

Some uneducated individuals might question the genetic origins of unhandyness, arguing instead that the abilities are undeveloped through childhood and adolescence.  Those people don't know what it feels like to be ridiculed by their peers because they can't get Lego's to stick together. 

There are a couple home projects I've dominated in my time.  For instance, I can restart a computer like nobody's business.  In fact, I earned my keep with an elderly couple that put me up while I was in college with ctrl, alt, delete.  I've also grown quite proficient with the plunger through years and years of practice.

I've found the best way to handle potentially expensive problems for the handy-impaired, is to simply wait the problem out.  I've had a faulty microwave work again... I've had a flickering light become unflickering... I've even had a screeching smoke alarm become screechless. Some might find these instances ungratifying since the alarm just ran out of batteries and the light finally burnt out, but you can't take the Microwave Miracle away from me... that thing still randomly works.

If the project-in-question does not respond to the waiting technique, don't lose heart, not all is lost.  Many times an equally desirable result occurs through the process, when the person whining about the issue gives up.  Perhaps the extra time helped them realize that life is enriched when one learns to appreciate every other door better because of their sticky study door... or that an unrepaired fence with rusty, exposed nails is a great deterrent to robbers... and that unhandy, cheap men are the most likely to spring for a long walk in the park over an uninspired expensive dinner at an expensive restaurant. 

These men are keepers.