The Miracle of Child Birth

A very inefficient way to walk

The way I understand it, and have explained to my children, two or more people conceive a child by holding hands and spending too much time together.  Over the period of many days (young children have no concept of time... there is no difference between 5 minutes and 5 hours to them.  Hardly seems worth bringing up the concept of months and chance derailing such an important conversation) the female person becomes extremely emotional and begins to forget things rather routinely.  It's ok to have a little fun at the female's expense as long as you never mention that she is also gaining significant weight. 

When my female was with-child I brought her home flowers and yelled, "Happy anniversary."  After I had a good laugh at her complete emotional breakdown from forgetting our annual hand-holding event, I backed a safe distance away (About 5 feet - she does not have a very good arm and has horrible aim) and admitted that it was not our anniversary.  I thought it was funny, but also a good opportunity for my wife to learn what it felt like when she yelled the same thing at me the year before.  I feel her contention that its different when yelled on our actual anniversary is missing the point that it hurts people's feelings when you yell that at them.

Some other annoying things that you have to pretend not to notice during this time of life are hair loss, ankle swelling and a voracious appetite.  I can't remember how many times my cankled spouse has been in the middle of wolfing down an entire box of girl scout cookies when she gagged on one of her own stray hairs.  None of these compare to having to put up with your other half's random cravings and uncravings.  It's not so hard to oblige when she demands a cheeseburger at midnight in the middle of the week, but its hard to love someone that swears off pizza because the thought of it makes her want to puke.  Don't try and sneak some at lunch either... when she smells it on your breath it will be worse for you than if she detected another woman's

                                                       perfume.

There is always around a 9-month wait for the baby to finally make his/her appearance, and you'll swear her belly is going to pop before the time comes.  Either way, you end up getting out of work for a couple days too witness the most horrific event most people will ever see.  Every man that has had to endure the birthing process makes sure to insist that every guy he knows be traumatized by the same thing.  We do this by lying about the entire ordeal... calling it a "miracle", or "unexplainable".  What it is, is "disgusting".  I realize I'm breaking the father code, but don't watch what's happening... for your own good.  Your wife needs your encouragement.  Focus intently on her eyes and tell her she's doing a great job (as if your qualified to make that call).  I've fought hard to erase the memories of my firstborn.  It's best just to imagine that the baby has Santa Claus abilities... that fat man leaves chimneys in mint condition.  You'll get your blood and guts fix when the doctor presents your new pride and joy, covered in crud.

It's amazing, it's a miracle, you've got to experience it.