Super Bowl Etiquette

This post is written assuming that Sunday you will get together with your friends to watch the championship game of the best sport in the world. If you don't know what I'm talking about you're either foreign or female... or friendless. Aside from the readers suffering from one of the three f's, everyone is with me. I think it's appropriate, therefore, that we cover some ground rules to keep you safe and maximize your experience at these get-togethers.

First of all, there are no etiquette guidelines for a Cowboy's Super Bowl... Paint your body blue, park guests in your neighbor's yard, cheer obnoxiously every time Dallas or Cowboys or anything that sounds westernly is mentioned in your vicinity. That being said, it has been more necessary over the last 15+ years to understand what to do when they are not in the game.

1. Bring Something- We all have that one friend that spent his entire life savings on a big screen TV. So don't be a jerk and show up empty handed expecting for him to provide the food and drinks as well. The man is broke... His entire family lives on a Ramen noodle diet and he drives a used minivan (worth less than his TV).

2. Shut Up- the women are having meaningful conversation in the kitchen if that's what your looking for in your Super Bowl party. We all know the commercials are going to suck, but watching each not funny one with great anticipation followed by inevitable disappointment is part of the experience.

3. Choose a Team- it's not funny to root for whoever is ahead. Even

though you wasted money buying a jersey for each team and you switch with every lead change...still not funny.  Pick a team and root like you mean it for 4 hours. Just remember if you're rooting for the Steelers this year you're rooting for rape. I'm not telling you who to pick... But Steelers fans love rape.

4. No Seat Check/ Yes Doorknob- A rocking Super Bowl party always has more peeps than seats so, if you've been sitting so long that you have gotten hungry or have to go to the bathroom, let the poor sap standing at the back of the room have a turn... And if you let one fly in a crowded room, I don't care how juvenile it is to call doorknob, you deserve to be punched repeatedly.

5. Respect DVRage- this should really be a part of our overall sports etiquette by now, but there are enough loudmouths walking around spouting in game spoilers that it still needs to be addressed. Until the game is over it is inappropriate to share scores or significant plays with others that are forced to attend some other event in their life before starting the game in question. Further, if you call them you must remain emotionally unreadable until their progress in the game is established AND you must only reveal the emotions relevant at that point. Texts are exempt... they can be avoided if knowledgelessness is important. The greatest application of this rule is for the dude that shows up for a DVR'd watching party having already watched the buffer everyone agreed to. If this piece of crap even contorts his face in a revealing way he must be stoned to death Old Testament style.

Enjoy the game tomorrow and Go Pack?!?