The Neighbors We All Have

Family "walk"

Family walks are the perfect way to spy on your neighbors.  With the wife and kids in toe, nobody suspects that you are really on a reconnaissance mission in their front yard.  It's amazing what you can learn as you pretend to be enjoying the nice weather with your beneficiaries.  Besides providing cover, I have found it is also necessary for my helpmate to be around just in case we are confronted by a neighbor... to feed me names.  You can only refer to a man as dude, bro, neighbor, man, guy or friend 9 or 10 times in a row before he will figure out you don't know his name.  A nice smile and a wife-fed name drop can start your count over.


Just because I can't remember my neighbor's names doesn't mean I don't know my neighbors.  I know everything about these people.  In fact, if an emergency eulogy was needed for any one of them, and it wasn't necessary that they be referred to by their given name, I would have to think I would be the best man for the job.  And now that we've lived in a couple different houses I've also learned that every neighborhood has a few homeowners that stand out in the exact same way.  Here's a rundown of what I noted from my last spy walk, that I can remember existing in every hood in which I've ever resided.

The mechanic- You don't want to shake this guy's hand.  He gave up washing them years ago and now they are permanently stained and greasy.  Unfortunately, this is who you are most likely to bump into, since he has been working on the clunker parked in his driveway every weekend and weeknight for the past 15 years.  Real mechanics must do something else when they get home, because this guy is no good... I've never seen one of my "mechanic" neighbors ever get their bucket of bolts up and running.  Lower your head and walk briskly, you may be able to escape while his head is under the hood.

The party house- These parents have totally given up raising worthwhile members of society.  Generally they have more than one teenager living at the house and utilize their lawn for the extra parking space requirements.  The trashman never comes enough to take all their trash away and the cops don't even bother respondong to calls refferring to their address... We have to use somebody else's to get them in the vicinity and then redirect them when they show up.  If anything ever ends up missing or ruined in the neighborhood, everyone suspects these kids.  There is a 95% chance that one of them will be dead or in prison within the next 5 years.  The only thing this house is contributing to the rest of us, is a sense of superiority and reassurance that we aren't doing the worst job at life of anybody we know.

The killer dog-  This idiot swears that his dog is friendly, but he has bitten four pedestrians and chased all the rest.  Because he insists that Spot is a good dog, Idiot won't put a leash on him.  Your decision on what direction to walk always takes into consideration the coordinates of this guy's house, but sometimes his path is unavoidable, and that is another reason why you take your slow kids with you.

The crazy people- Neighbors who painted their house Yellow/Pink/Green/Red, people that leave Christmas lights up year round, hoarders, people with animal statues and/or naked children fountains, people with xeriscaping, people that don't have blinds and walk around naked, polygamist, old people, etc...

The Overachiever's Yard 1/31/11

The overachiever- The worst guy in the hood.  This dude has a beautiful wife, a son, a daughter and a non-killer dog.  He runs two miles every morning before you are awake and mows his lawn with his shirt off while all the women in the neighborhood swoon, and all the men burn with envy.  He's handy, has two great cars, just got a promotion at work and your wife wants to know why you can't keep your grass green year-round like he does,and he's friendly... what a jerk.

You probably already know these people, but if one of them sounds unfamiliar BEWARE... that often means that YOU are that guy.